Pain of the Strong
by Liv-x-Case-Benson
Summary: Everyone deals with pain and loss differently. Some openly weep. Others cry in private. But some, like Detective Olivia Benson, hold it in so long they can't function when the mask finally crumbles away. At least not alone. Rated T-M
1. Numb

Pain of the Strong

By: Liv-Case-Benson

**Chapter 1: Numb**

Olivia Benson was home late one night. She sighed. Elliot had been gone a month now, but it still felt raw, like it had happened that day. She understood why he'd put his papers in, how demanding this job, undoubtedly, was but that didn't make things any easier.

She hadn't seen Casey in longer than that and it hurt. Like her heart tore a little every time she thought of her. Biting her lip, the detective dialed her number.

It rang five times before she picked up. "Novak," Casey said through a yawn.

Olivia sighed again. "I know it's late, but I can't sleep."

Casey sat up. "No, don't worry about it. What's going on?"

Olivia pulled her legs up under her on the couch. "I miss you."

Casey sighed. "Liv, it's three am. Couldn't you have waited until later?"

"Yeah, I guess…"

"What's really going on?" Casey asked.

Olivia shook her head, hanging up the phone and leaving Casey wondering what was going on.

Casey tried calling her back, but every time it went to voice mail. Ignoring the call of her bed to her aching body, the ADA dressed in a t-shirt and jeans, going to see her. She tried to focus on how Liv had sounded. She hadn't sounded drunk, just sad and lonely, but, Casey supposed, that was to be expected with Elliot retiring a month ago. Olivia had refused to talk to anyone about it. She'd done her job like always, but something was missing, something vital. Like she'd lost her will or something.

Fifteen minutes later, Casey knocked on her door, but when Olivia wouldn't answer, she got worried so she used the key Olivia had given her a month before her suspension. Finding her girlfriend unconscious on the floor, Casey immediately checked her vitals and signs of self harm, but there were no signs of harm and she appeared to be fine. It was like she'd simply fallen asleep and rolled off of the couch.

"Liv?" Casey asked, sitting on the floor beside her and pulling her into her arms. "Liv, come on! Please wake up."

Olivia's head was swimming, not in alcohol or any kind of medication, but guilt. If she had done something differently, would he have stayed? Sure, she'd understood in the long run of things, but it was still like a shot through the heart. She'd tried, again and again, to talk to him, but he never picked up. It was as if she didn't even matter anymore.

The detective was asleep so heavily, she didn't even realize when the paramedics loaded her into the ambulance and took her to Mercy from Casey's call.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Okay, I really have no idea where this story is going and I know it's short, but I used to be really good at writing depressing/angsty/tragedy stuff, so when this little thing popped into my head I figured why not give it a shot?

What do you guys think? Is it worth continuing?

**Liv-Case-Benson**


	2. Catch

Pain of the Strong

By: Liv-Case-Benson

**Chapter 2: Catch**

The detective woke around noon that day in a hospital bed without knowing how she'd gotten there. The last thing she clearly remembered was calling her girlfriend saying she missed her. The rest was blank. As far as she could tell she was only attached to an IV which she figured was for getting fluids into her system.

She'd just been so depressed since he'd left and she handled it like she'd handled everything else – by burying herself in her work. It had done the trick for a while, until her mind started on all the 'what if' scenarios. She knew she should've just taken a bit of time off, but that wouldn't help anyone there. Not with two new detectives who still needed guidance.

Olivia had never specifically told Casey how upset she was over Elliot leaving. Now she guessed she figured with how close they'd always been that she wouldn't have had to tell Casey how upset she was. Then again, they hadn't really seen each other outside of work in a while.

Casey took a breath upon seeing Olivia awake. It was good to see her conscious after how she'd found her. "..Liv?" she asked.

Olivia smiled, looking over. "Hey Case," she said, gesturing for her to sit next to her in a chair. "How are you?"

Her mind unsettled, Casey pulled a chair up beside her. "Shouldn't I be asking you that question? You were unconscious last night when I found you. What's going on, Liv?"

Olivia sighed. "I don't know...I just...I'm sorry for worrying you."

"Liv, you miss him. I get it, but he—he's not coming back just because you're feeling like you can't go on. I know you can," Casey said, brushing her long hair behind her ear. "I know you. It's going to hurt, probably for a while, but, sooner or later, you're going to move on."

The detective scoffed. "Move on? That's pretty harsh, Casey."

"Okay, maybe that was the wrong choice of words, but you'll feel better," Casey said. "You're tough. You're strong."

"Yeah, in front of others I can't show anything. Everyone expects so much of me, but…"

The young ADA's hand took hold of the detective's iced one. "But you want to fall apart. It's different. We're all glad he left voluntarily, but it hurts you even more because you didn't know until then."

Olivia nodded. "Yes. I need time, but I can't afford to take the time, not with two new recruits to the squad. It's-it's not right to be so...self-absorbed now."

"Liv, you're right, but if you don't feel like fighting the good fight, how much good will it do? You're caring, kind and compassionate. You work so well with victims and children. You need to take the time. Everyone will understand. Twelve years...that's a long time."

"Yes, but its not as if the crime rate is going to decrease just because I'm not well."

Casey sighed. "Liv, you need to do this for yourself. Now, I'm not saying to forget it. I'm not saying he'll never matter. Elliot was with you from day one. He helped make you a great cop. He always had your back...but now he's not there anymore and you need to learn to be that person for someone else. I have faith in you. But first you need to take the time."

Olivia sighed. "Where? I might go stir crazy staying in my house for that long. Besides, who knows how long it'll take?"

Casey nodded. "You'll come stay with me."

"W-with you?" she stumbled over. "Casey, I-I can't—"

Casey smiled. "Yes you can."

"But I've been in your house," Olivia said, "you don't have enough room for two people!" she objected.

Casey smiled again. "I've worked Sex Crimes for ten years, Liv," she said, her fingers stroking her hand, "but even you don't know all my secrets."

* * *

**Author's Note:** Okay, I have a bit of an idea where this is going - as far as right now - but it may change.

What do you guys think?

Reviews: DeLene, suicidebycyanide, Bkwrmchar, Madds21 & Guest

**Liv-Case-Benson**


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